~.y.o.u.~
you.
i know you.
but i don't.
i think of you.
all the time.
when i see laughing couples strolling by, hand in hand. i see them everywhere, these people in love, arms around each other, eyes meeting, wordless meaning in them. they can hold conversation with just their eyes alone. a glance, a touch, a smile.
it hurts watching them. knowing i don't have that. i want it. i want it so badly, my heart reaching out of my chest then clenching painfully back at the emptiness it finds outside. cold loneliness.
i need you. i look for you, my head turning swiftly when i think i see you. a shadow, a spark of recognition, glancing past my peripheral vision. but you're never there.
there's that shrinking sharp pain when i think of it, escalating from the constant dull ache resting just behind my ribs. expanding and pounding ruthlessly against the walls i thought to build around it. seeking an escape, creeping stealthily around my defenses. God, it hurts.
when i find something that amuses me, and i look up to share it.
but there's no one there.
and my smile falters, my heart falls, my mind flinches. i can't scream. but inside..inside me a torrent of voices, a stormy tempest, rages and batters against it's frail shell.
i don't know how much more i can take. how long i can keep pretending.
and i close my eyes, thinking, hoping that when i open them again, you'll be there. but reality reigns and practicality persists, and i keep them closed, knowing that there's nothing. alone. curled in a fetal position, shivering in the bitter, cold wind howling in my ears. my head in my hands, attempting to shield it from the painful, cutting ice.
and i thought i felt your fingers through my hair.
but no, it was just the wind, whipping it out of the normal constraints i put it in. it lashes out, stinging my cheek, pain intensified from the cold. wild and unbound. not free, not quite.
ah control. what i fool myself into thinking i have. the boundaries and rules i impose on myself, all to convince myself of the control i have, over my feelings, my actions, myself. over my life. lies. all of them. but to who? the world? myself? i don't know.
a desolate sigh escapes me, a pale reflection of the soul-wrenching scream that echoes in the battered walls of my mind.
i swear i felt warm fingers brush against my cheek.
tenderness? i laugh disbelievingly. no. it's just a dream. you're just a dream.
after all how can you see what isn't there?
how can you feel what isn't real?
how could i know you, if we've never met?
how could i want you, need you, love you, if you don't exist?
i'm so tired. not the temporary blurred eyes and dull mind but the bone-deep weariness that permeates my entire being, dragging me down, ever so slowly.
i need you. and i keep telling myself you're not real.
the knowing look in your eyes. the special smile, that only i see. the feeling of your hand, reaching for mine, pulling me towards you. the strong arms wrapping me tightly in an encouraging embrace, forming a warm sheltered cocoon around me.
but the only time i touch you is in my sleep.
how can i miss you, when you are not mine?
but you're still the only one who feels like home.
you.
if i ain't got you|12:43 am
~.p.o.e.m.s.~
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
~.A.l.o.n.e.~
Alone
Surrounded by people
i stand alone
as they jostle past me
as they step on my feet
so they trample on my dignity
my pride, my joy,
me
crushed beneath their cold hard souls/soles
Afraid
fear is but part of an entirety of sorrow
the sorrow of loneliness
the sorrow of pain
i can see it in their eyes
the stares, the whispers, that hide
within the shadows of their hearts
Ashamed
the shame of a great sin never told
they do not tell
they do not try
but it can be seen clearly
the guilty glance, the darting gaze
that show beyond words
the truth
Alone
surrounded by people
i stand alone
as they brush past uncaring
as they look away hurting
too caught up with their own feelings
i stand
waiting
a slight breeze
and i know who is with me
In the darkness of a world grown cold
i stand alone
warmed
sheltered
loved
by the one they call Saviour
if i ain't got you|5:14 pm
