but everythingmeans nothing.
~.p.o.e.m.s.~

Thursday, October 05, 2006
forgive me
if i don't believe you
pardon me
for my cynical doubt
i'm older
i hesitate to say wiser
but i know more
than i did before
and perhaps i still dream
but i no longer hope
and wispy wishes
are just that
no more
they will never be more
i understand that now
there's no such thing
as love at first sight
there're casual flings
monotonous marriage
no warm fuzzy feelings
or perfection
he doesn't exist
nothing's real anymore
so forgive my bitterness
understand my skepticism
but i'm no longer a child
i've put that behind me
or at least i've tried
and my head
might flitter in the clouds
occasionally
but my feet are firmly planted
in the ground
rooted by reality
don't take me for a fool
life isn't
a story
a movie
lies concocted
perhaps because
people want more
more than this life
that was my innocence
i'm not sure
if i was better off ignorant
but i've crash landed now
broken wings and all
and you can see
the age in my eyes
if you look close enough
past the masks
because someone has to believe
and for some reason it's me
i dug my own hole
and now to admit to my flaws
to concede to imperfection
might shatter someone else
their preconceptions
their innocence
so i smile
irony
deceit
my life is a maze
a tangled mess of my own making
and my thoughts run in spirals
going on and on
leading again and again
to madness
who am i?
i'm so dark
i have no patience for myself
for the wreck of self-pity
the cruel cycle of depression
the jagged cliffs of rage
that haunt me
so pretentious
and of course no one knows
no one cares
or knows to care
or cares to know
after all
what could they do?
i'm the greatest of hypocrites
giving advise that i can't seem to follow myself
pronouncing criticism
thoughtlessly judging
the speck in others
ignoring the plank
hell, the forest
in my own soul
all they see are smiles
and careless laughter
everyone's happy in lala land
it never rains
there is no suffering
not in her
and the soul shrinks
behind towering walls
cold stone
dank and dripping
yet drier than the desert
contradictions
i stress again
are a constant in my life
and there are chains
and thorns
and the ever-present darkness
i have no more tears left to cry it seems
oh wait
how foolish of me
of course there are
there's a veritable lake where those come from
i hate who i have become
and i reach for help
but i can't even do that properly
pathetic
there's nothing in my life
nothing to complain about
nothing to warrant or justify
such pain and anger
and i'm sinking and falling
i'm drowning and crumbling
bitterness doesn't become you
sarcasm doesn't suit you
i'm so sick of caring
life no longer has any meaning for me
i exist purely for others
fitting perhaps...maybe it's all i'm good for
how sad...
life was never meant to be fair
if i ain't got you|1:47 am
